So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
