If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
