I am midnight drunk by noon
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
