My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can vaginas get frostbite?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
