Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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