so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
too bad you live with your parents still
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
