John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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