Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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