A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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