I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
