How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
