what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
