Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
