I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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