i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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