Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
