how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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