just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
