what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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