In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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