I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
