I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We need a shit load of segways right now
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize