Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
