Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
