I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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