We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the day after is always just damage control
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
