no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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