I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
