Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You're like the curious george of whores
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize