Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
