I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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