Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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