walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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