im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
