My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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