Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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