Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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