I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
