I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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