I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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