At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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