awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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