yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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