just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
