I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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