i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
