Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
