you have to choose: penises or morals?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
