so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
third nipple confirmed
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
