A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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