One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I got inside last night via doggy door
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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