I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
