ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
