why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
