Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
