I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I want a musical about memes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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