Umm I'm too high to move.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
