I'm jealous of your bromance
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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