p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
