answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
