i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
